I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
