i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
