The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
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the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
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We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf