btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
