Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
