I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
