when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
ok first of all what the fuck
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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