Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
