Umm I'm too high to move.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Randomize
