he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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