Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
No subtext here. People are naked.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
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I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
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Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
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