how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
