What did we do last night that was yellow?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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