She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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