so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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