My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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