I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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