i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
