He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
