the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
