In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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