so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The adults are the big ones right?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
