I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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