I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Drunk is a universal language darling
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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