my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
