All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
