This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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