I faked an abortion last night.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
