God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
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