I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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