i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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