can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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