I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
