i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
