Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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