I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
