We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
