dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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