I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
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He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
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Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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