Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I need a burrito and a hug.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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