I can't watch pbs sober anymore
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
