Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
