I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
