OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
