We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
These tits shall not be calmed
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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