i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
