Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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