my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
