Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
