Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
