The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
