Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
BRING THE BAGELS
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
