Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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