i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
If I die, sorry about rent.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
