Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
