Im at strip club and am horny
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Randomize
