she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
