then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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