peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
