At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Can you repeat that, but with context?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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