were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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